Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Back From Sabbatical/ The Pro Spring Breaker


As you all know, this is a busy time of year at the Heights. Midterms are upon us, Olympic Curling has been going on, and Clinton Kelly of TLC's What Not to Wear has been on campus. That leaves little time for us to pursue our other interests like the Gongshow@BC, people-watching at Hillside, getting huge at the Plex, and rescuing orphaned seal pups in frigid New England coastal waters.

Spring Break Special: This coming weekend, many BC students will embark on the annual gongshow that is Spring Break. Popular destinations for BC kids include the Bahamas, Aruba, Jamaica, Cancun, Miami and Palm Beach, Ignacio/Conte Forum, and various skiing locales up North and out West. For some, Spring Break is a time to kick back, get some sun, and have a good time with friends. For others, Spring Break is a time to perform. Enter the Pro Spring Breaker.
Similar to the Growing Up Gotti kids, the Pro Spring Breaker is among the worst forms of the human species. As Pittsburgh Penguin and Gongshow@BC correspondent Ryan Whitney says, "We train all summer for hockey season... these kids train all year for Spring Break." The Pro Spring Breaker sees his one week vacation as a way to show the world what he's got- how many barbed-wire tattooes he has, how many times he has gone to the tanning salon, how much creatine he has ingested into his sculpted and completely shaven body. The Pro Spring Breaker has no problem foregoing a decent education to go to a community college to save his money for one week of meathead fights, clogged toilets, puka shells, henna tattooes, sweaty clubs, date rapes, and hotel room damage fees in Cancun. Let's all think back to MTV's "The Grind," which was among the worst programs ever in television history. It was essentially a hundred Pro Spring Breakers and their disease-carrying damsels dancing in urine-filled wading pools for the MTV cameras. To get some face time on MTV during spring break is the Holy Grail for any spring break hero. A victory in the Hard Body Contest translates into three seasons of bragging rights to all the juice monkey meatsticks at the local Gold's Gym. Spring Break for these guys is a condensed version of the Jersey Shore summer, it just takes place at a warmer locale. The Pro Spring Breaker's vision of a perfect day of Spring Breaking goes like this: Noon- wake up in mysteriously wet hotel bed with your three meathead friends, no girls in sight. For an hour or two, brag to each other about the hot chicks you were making out with on the dancefloor at Senor Frog's. 2 PM- Rid your body of toxins by forcing yourself to vomit in the toilet, which didn't even flush when you checked into the hotel. Lather yourself in tanning oil, gel your hair, do 20 push ups to get the veins in your arms bulging. 3 PM- Head down to the beach. There is a lot of competition down there, and you see thousands of other Pro Spring Breakers brushing sand off of their shaven arms and legs. Scope out the musclehead with the obvious calf implants and consider undergoing the surgery yourself. 6 PM- Eat at S'Barro's for the eleventh consecutive meal. Who would've thought that a six-hundred dollar plane ticket would get you gross reheated pizza that is availible at every reststop on the Mass Pike? 7 PM- Nap time. Snuggle up with your buddies and discuss strategy for the night. Everyone plans on hooking up with the hot chicks from the beach. Pending decisions include what stud to wear in your ear, what tight t-shirt to wear, what cologne to wear, and whether you should go controlled-chaos or blowout with the hair or wear a terrible Kangol with a racing stripe. 9 PM- Pre-gaming begins. There's nothing quite like seven steroid-enhanced metrosexuals sitting around a hotel room drinking wine coolers. 10 PM- Hit the clubs, baby. Every sort of dirty-dancing, bumping & grinding, and gyrating will be seen in the clubs (see video links below). High school girls are everywhere. Rack up $300 in credit card debt buying tequila shots for some hairdressers from Revere. Midnight- Get in a fight. This is mandatory. Chicks love a meathead who can challenge a high school golf team who has snuck out of their hotel to a fight in the middle of the dancefloor. 2 AM- Look around for the weakest deer in the herd. This exact process can be seen on the Discovery Channel. Circle the female on the dancefloor like a shark circling Nemo. 4 AM- Nemo is gone. Everyone has gone home. But you still dance. No chicks. Just guys. Just you and your boys, having a blast. The second round of ecstasy is just kicking in. 4:30 AM- Blackout. See you in the morning. God, it's good to be a Pro Spring Breaker.

NEWSFLASH: High Schoolers on Facebook! Now this is a move that really defines Mark Zuckerberg's career. The founder of Facebook.com has now integrated the college and high school Facebook networks. This is the best thing that has happened to us socially since we got our braces off. Now we can be Facebook friends with our buddies' little sisters, their high school girl friends, and well, other high school girls. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, after all.

VERY IMPORTANT LINKS:
We have had many fans ask us how to improve their dancing. Here is our response.
After our last blog, we have had a ton of feedback from Gongshow@BC fans with more material about the Growing Up Gotti kids. This is our favorite.
Some people just don't have what it takes. This aspiring sports reporter should either take some Communications classes at BC or consider a pro career in being painfully awkward.
College students are constantly worrying about their weight. Here is a pill that came out in the 1980's which promises to help you out. The name of the pill, however, may be a turn-off.